


let me make up for all those times

by UnitedWeStandDividedWeFall



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Getting Back Together, Post-Break Up, a little bit sad sometimes, but it has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 07:04:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21132620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnitedWeStandDividedWeFall/pseuds/UnitedWeStandDividedWeFall
Summary: “Clarke,” Lexa croaked out breathlessly. Her lips tingled, her body temperature rose at the mere thought of kissing Clarke again. Her fingers clawed at the extra dress material around Clarke’s hips to pull her closer but nothing was close enough.At the sound of her name Clarke jerked her head backwards, a shuddering breath falling from her mouth as her eyes opened revealing the darkest blue Lexa ever saw. She let her hands fall from where they were intertwined behind Lexa’s head to her elbows which she gripped tightly. “We can’t. Not here.”“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone,” Lexa said and immediately knew it was the wrong thing to say.Clarke’s eyes hardened and she actually snapped at Lexa, though quiet enough for nobody else to hear. “You left me, I don’t think you have any right to speculate whether I’m dating anyone else or not.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this has been in the works for over a year and it's really just a three-shot story I wrote to practice angst. hope it came out as good as I wanted it to

**PART ONE**

_ Never seen you in a dress that color, no. It's a special occasion, not invited but I'm glad I made it. _

Lexa swallowed down the knot in her throat and wiped her sweaty palms in her combat uniform. She picked up her duffel bag from the curb and swung it over her shoulder. She had spent the last three days travelling, flew from Somalia to New York and immediately hopped on a flight to Santorini. And now Lexa was standing in front of an impressive white villa; leave it to Octavia Blake to get married in Greece.

She did her best to disguise her nerves when the bride-to-be embraced her with a big smile. "I'm so glad you're here," Octavia said. "I'm sorry I couldn't send you an official invitation."

"It's okay," Lexa rasped out, her voice tired. "Just happy to be here."

Octavia beamed. She was glowing, and Lexa smiled back at her friend. "So, I figured we'd give you a day to rest. The rehearsal dinner is tomorrow evening and then the wedding is the day after that."

Lexa nodded. She followed Octavia inside and marveled at the beauty. 

"The villas are shared," Octavia stated. "And it's expensive as hell so Linc and I tried our best to fit as many people as we can in one."

With the way she was biting her lip Lexa knew what was coming next.

"If you're not comfortable sharing with Clarke-"

"It's fine," Lexa brushed it off. "We're both adults, we can figure it out." Lexa looked down at her feet. Her combat boots might had been clean and polished, but they felt heavy and stained on her feet. Her uniform was scratchy, but she didn't have time to change at the airport. Not that she had anything to change into. There were flip flops in the hallway, but nobody else in sight. "Does Clarke know?"

Octavia turned around. "That you're here?"

Lexa nodded.

"No. I didn't know you were coming until you called me from New York. And even then, I wasn't sure you would come," Octavia admitted.

"I almost didn't," Lexa muttered.

"I'm happy you did," Octavia reassured her. "And I know everyone else will be, too. We haven't seen you in so long. You look good."

Lexa snorted. "I'm sweaty and wearing a uniform."

Octavia shrugged. "Luckily, green has always been your color." They stopped in front of a door. "This is your room. One bathroom is across the hall and the other is downstairs. You should order room service, I know the girls went out for dinner so they're probably going to be late."

As a reminder Lexa's stomach growled. Plane food sucked and desert food was even worse. "Alright."

"Get some rest," Octavia advised and patted Lexa's shoulder. "I'll tell others you're here so that they won't barge in. You know how Raven is. Thank you for coming back to us."

"Thank you for waiting for me."

Once Octavia left Lexa looked around the room. She leaned against the window, taking in the sparkling water and the slowly setting sun, painting the skies in hues of pinks and oranges. She wasn't supposed to leave Somalia yet, she had a month left of service. But she had been gone long enough, approaching the second-year mark, and she missed her friends. Missed Clarke. 

But two years was a long time and Clarke had probably moved on. Or hated Lexa. What kind of idiot leaves in the middle of the night and records a sobbing voicemail on their way to the airport? Lexa, that's who.

With a sigh Lexa took off her boots and dropped her pants. She folded them and then took off her top until she was left in a grey tank top and black boxers. Since nobody else was in the villa she took the liberty of taking a long shower. She missed the privacy of a bathroom, of enjoying hot steaming water and shampoo and conditioner. It smelled fruity and Lexa knew right away she was using Clarke's products. 

When Lexa finally emerged from the bathroom, an hour later, she froze in the hallway because she was most certainly not alone anymore. Raven, Clarke and Echo were standing in front of her, just as equally as frozen.

Octavia came running after them. "Oh, and I forgot to tell you, Lexa is," she stopped walking, "here."

"Hi," Lexa said, awkwardly waving.

She didn't expect the force of Raven's hug that caused her to stumble backwards or Echo's fist lightly bumping into her shoulder. And when Raven finally pulled away Clarke took her place for a much shorter, but not any less tight, hug.

Lexa's shoulders dropped in relief.

"We didn't know you'd come," Raven said, eyes wide.

"I wasn't sure," Lexa admitted. She kept her eyes away from Clarke, terrified of what she'd find in the blue orbs. "I'm sorry I've been gone for so long."

"We're glad to have you back," Echo spoke.

Raven nodded in agreement.

Lexa smiled gratefully. And tiredly. She was so exhausted, and she felt an ache set in her limbs just from standing still. "I was just going to turn in for the night. I'm kind of exhausted, but I don't want to ruin any plans you've made."

"We were just going to have a movie night," Raven explained. "Make fun of the bride without her here."

Octavia scoffed. "As if. I'm literally giving you free vacation right now."

"Your sexy, rich fiancé is," Raven corrected.

"Want to join us?" Clarke asked, and all eyes settled on her as that was the first thing she said since they ran into Lexa.

Lexa's throat bobbed but she shook her head. "I wouldn't really make good company right now. But I promise to be well rested for tomorrow."

Raven's eyes bore into Lexa's before she tilted her head. "You're okay, though, right? You would tell us if you needed to talk to someone? I don't expect any of us to understand what you've seen, but… we're here."

"I'm good," Lexa said, her voice cracking. "I'm good," she repeated, this time more convincing. "I'll share the stories some other day," she promised.

Lexa returned to her room and collapsed on the bed. Muffled sounds of laughter and chatter slowly lulled her to sleep and Clarke's laugh was the last thing she heard before passing out. She had dreamless sleep, which didn't happen often. More often than not nightmares plagued her sleep and she woke up more exhausted than she went to sleep. Not that day, though. She stretched and slowly blinked, light seeping through the cracks in the blinds. She reached for her phone on the nightstand and pressed on the button to reveal her lock screen. It was a group picture of her friends and Clarke she had taken when everything in her life still made sense. She checked the time. It was half past seven and judging by the quietness of the building nobody else was awake yet.

The only clothes Lexa brought with her was her uniform, tank top and sweatpants. Nothing that was acceptable for vacation, let alone a wedding. She cursed herself for not being more considerate towards Octavia. It was her wedding and Lexa didn't even think about what she was going to wear. She settled on sweatpants and tank top for the time being. 

She found her way to the balcony. The sea was calm, the waves were soft and crashing gently against the cliffs. The air was fresh and warm. Lexa rolled up her sweatpants and sat by the pool, dipping her ankles inside. 

"Always the early riser."

Lexa startled and pressed her hand against her chest at the sound of Clarke's voice.

"Sorry," Clarke apologized. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," Lexa rasped out and then cleared her throat. She moved her feet in the water, unsure how to talk to Clarke. She could feel the awkwardness linger, couldn't look up to meet her gaze. She couldn't even look at her because she was terrified of the rush of feelings that came with Clarke.

Clarke wrapped her arms around herself. "Um, well, everyone's up and we're ordering breakfast. You should join us."

"Okay. Thanks."

Lexa cringed at her own choice of words and pulled her feet out of the pool. She found a towel draped over one of the chairs and she was certain it wasn't there before. She looked through the glass balcony door inside and could see Clarke's back as she walked away. A part of her wanted to run after her and apologize for everything. A part of her wanted to pack everything and run away again.

When she joined the group Raven was on the phone with room service and was talking loudly while Octavia and Clarke were arguing over what to order and Echo was facepalming herself with a pained expression. It was so loud, but this was what she considered family. Or she used to anyway. Now she wondered if they still considered her family.

"Lexa, what do you want?" Octavia asked.

Lexa froze, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Eggs benedict," Clarke chimed in.

Octavia looked at her for confirmation and Lexa nodded, dumbfounded that Clarke still knew her favorite breakfast order. Lexa remembered everything about Clarke, but she had two years to continuously think about her. She doubted Clarke did the same.

Once the phone call was over Octavia slapped a binder on the table, causing it to shake under its weight. "Guys, don't forget that tonight's the rehearsal dinner. Raven, nothing that can go boom, Echo please don't suck my brother's face tonight, Clarke, you're not allowed to flirt with any of my cousins and Lexa, I love you, but you need some proper clothes. It doesn't have to be a dress."

"I can take you, I have to go get the stupid wine for Oct-" Raven started but Echo sharply elbowed her and shot her a pointed look. Raven furrowed her eyebrows and then widened her eyes and cleared her throat. "Actually, I can't because I have that thing…"

"That thing?" Lexa repeated, not entirely believing her.

"Yes," Echo interrupted. "The thing, with me."

Clarke eyed them suspiciously, Echo was twirling her hair band around her wrist which usually meant she was up to something and Raven's right eye twitched which only happened when she was lying. But Octavia remained blissfully oblivious.

"I'd love to take you but Linc and I are having our last view of the wedding location today to make sure it's ready," Octavia apologized. "I can have my mom or Bellamy take you? I'd rather not send you in the town alone."

Clarke shook her head. "You can come with me. I have to pick up the bridesmaids dresses anyway."

Lexa held her breath, eyes jumping from one person to another until they settled on Clarke. Her throat bobbed as she swallowed nervously and then nodded.

"Are you two sure you'll be alright? Neither of you know Greek."

"Hey, I know the basics," Clarke argued.

Octavia made a face. "Asking where the bar is isn't exactly helpful. But you're both resourceful and I trust you to find your way to the town and back in one piece. Lexa, have you had the time to convert some money in Euros?"

Ashamedly, Lexa shook her head. "I'm so sorry. If there is a bank I can go-"

"Nonsense," Octavia brushed it off. "This is going to look very rich of me, but I was prepared for a situation like this because I really hoped you'd be here," she declared before shoving a couple of hundred euros into Lexa's hand.

"I will pay you back," Lexa promised.

The sun was scorching hot when they arrived in the town and Lexa looked completely out of place in her long sweatpants and a brown tank top. Her combat shoes crunched against the sand covered pavement. Each step echoed loudly in Lexa's head while she overthought the distance between her and Clarke. If she stepped any closer their shoulders would be close to touching and if she stepped further away it would look like she was intentionally avoiding her.

Clarke walked inside a boutique and realized Lexa wasn't following her. Instead she was walking past the store. "Um, Lexa."

Lexa stopped and rigidly spun around. "S-sorry, I was thinking."

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." They had both been silent during the ride and Clarke couldn't stop thinking about how much Lexa's legs bounced in the car.

"You didn't," Lexa croaked. "I promise. There's just a lot going on in my head right now. I’m sorry." She didn’t know what she was apologizing for. Running away? Not paying attention? Feeling like a shitty friend for practically crashing the wedding? She took a few hurried steps, catching up with Clarke and slipping through the door held open for her. 

Shopping for clothes was always an awkward experience for Lexa, her legs were too long, her pants snug around her butt, but too big around her waist and her arms still lanky despite the exercise military provided. Her shoulders had broadened in the years away, her muscles more defined and she felt stronger, but covered in clothing Lexa looked the same as when she left. Between the shop owner and Clarke Lexa was pushed into the changing room with a pile of clothes not even five minutes after entering.

She tried the first dress on, scratching her overly exposed cleavage. No matter how many poses she tried she just kept feeling more and more awkward. Maybe it was due to the fact that she hadn’t worn anything but her military uniform in such a long time or because she hadn’t felt particularly beautiful since the moment she ran out on Clarke.

“I’ve got the bridesmaids dresses. Are you doing okay in there?”

“Uh, yeah,” Lexa mumbled, unsurely. She pulled the dress off almost sighing in relief when she was left in her underwear and sports bra.

“Can I see?”

Before Clarke could pull the curtain aside Lexa yanked it shut completely and held it there, heartbeat in her throat at the thought of Clarke seeing her in this state of undress. 

“Sorry,” Clarke murmured from the other side.

Lexa exhaled shakily and reluctantly let go off the curtain. “You didn’t do anything, I’m sorry. I’m just a little jumpy. Haven’t really been wearing much outside of the combat uniform.”

Clarke cleared her throat. “I did add some pants and blouses to the collection, so maybe try those instead?” The sound of a phone ringing made Lexa flinch but Clarke couldn’t see. “That’s Octavia. I’m gonna take the call and wait outside.”

Heart still in overdrive, but no longer worried Clarke would walk in on her Lexa went through the rest of the clothes. She wanted something that would at least match Octavia’s wedding theme seeing as she already showed up announced and had been nothing but just more stress for the newlyweds. Getting over herself Lexa ended up picking a nice dress, the color of which matched the rest of the bridesmaids dresses and dark high waisted pants with a white button up that felt cool and silky on her skin. And when she changed into shorts, god, she loved Clarke so much for remembering to grab some, and a plain white tee Lexa refused to change back into military clothing. She shoved the outfit she came in in a separate shopping back and paid with the money Octavia gave her.

Feeling more like herself, Lexa actually managed to direct the smallest of smiles at Clarke. “Thank you,” she said, her voice raspier than she expected which immediately wiped the smile off her face.

Clarke hummed. “You’re welcome. We’ve been here for four days now and the temperatures don’t drop below sixty-five. You’re all set to head back or do you need anything else?”

Lexa glanced down at her feet, cringing at how stuffy her feet felt in socks and boots. “Shoes, maybe? Or flip flops at least?”

They paused by a street store and Lexa bought black flip flops and really simple black flats. It was inexpensive and the quality was questionable, but they were able to head back to the villa and focus on more important things. 

Lexa politely waited until she was outside on the balcony to finally take off her combat boots and socks. She wiggled her toes and rolled her ankles. It was almost funny how pale her skin beneath her socks was compared to the rest of her body. She laid on the concrete floor and closed her eyes, allowing the sun to keep her body warm.

“You always did fall asleep in the weirdest places,” Raven said, startling Lexa out of her serenity. “Sorry. Clarke did say you were jumpy.”

Lexa frowned. “Did she?”

“Yeah. But it’s normal. You’ve been away for a while. Are you okay, though?”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s not very convincing,” Raven stated. “But I guess you do have a lot on your mind. We’re going to the beach for a swim before we have to get ready for rehearsal dinner. Will you join us? We miss you.”

Lexa sat up, rubbing her ankles. “Are you sure you want me there?”

Raven furrowed her eyebrows. “Of course. Look, just… don’t overthink everything, okay? I know that’s always been your speciality, but we’re all happy that you’re here and that you’re okay. Especially Clarke, even if things seem a little rocky. We’ve already lost one person, I refuse to lose anyone else.”

Lexa silently watched Raven walk back towards the villa but called out when she reached the balcony door. “Hey, Raven?”

Raven turned around. “Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

Slowly, Raven nodded. “Not being alone, being surrounded by people who understood my loss helped. I wish we could have done the same for you.”

The truth was, Lexa never even gave them a chance. She felt like the walls of her home were closing in on her, willing to crush her into specks of dust she saw floating around in her nightmares, calling her name in a voice she grew up with. It was too much and she didn’t feel she was enough. 

But Greece never gave her the chance to feel claustrophobic. The sea looked endless, the warm breeze blew away Lexa’s worries before she could focus on them and the sand was gritty but comforting when it sneaked its way in her new flip flops. People crowded around too few shaded spots but Lexa followed Raven to where the rest of their friends were. And really, everyone was there and Lexa was not ready to face them yet.

Abby noticed her first, glancing at her daughter before standing up and hugging her tightly. “Honey, I’m so glad you made it.”

Lexa wanted to cry, but she squared her shoulders and forced a smile. “I’m glad to be here.” That wasn’t a lie. But if anyone besides Clarke was going to be mad at her, it would be Abby for leaving her daughter. “How are you?” she asked instead.

“Good. We’ve been good. And you?”

“Coping,” Lexa answered honestly.

Abby had that look on her face that Lexa recognized from when she fell ill the first time after she started dating Clarke and ended up in the emergency room dehydrated and with low blood pressure. “Have you been sleeping?”

Lexa nodded. “Some. It’s not easy. It’s really quiet here.” And quiet meant she had too much time to overthink.

“Are you back or do you plan on doing any more tours?” Abby asked cautiously.

“I’m back,” Lexa said. “Whatever that means.”

“If you need anyone to talk to, professionally or just a shoulder to lean on you know where to find me,” she offered.

“Thank you,” Lexa managed to say before Lincoln swept her off her feet, nearly giving her a heart attack, and ruffled her hair. Lexa let out a laugh for the first time in what felt like years. “You’re getting married,” she stated.

Lincoln beamed and it was just so hard not to find his happiness infectious. “And you’re attending my wedding.”

Lexa nodded. “Funny, huh?”

“Do you remember what you told me when we were seventeen?”

“That I was going to make an embarrassing banner for you,” Lexa remembered. “I think I left any arts and crafts back in the States though.”

Lincoln sombered. “We’re glad you’re here with us.”

Fifteen minutes later Lexa finally got a moment to breathe. She sat down on a towel offered to her and watched the shadow of a canopy sway in the breeze. Flip flops were taken off and her legs stretched. Somalia was hot, humid and stuffy but here Lexa felt like she could breathe for the first time. Her eyes were closed but she was focused enough to notice the sun blaring at her suddenly disappear and when she squinted blonde hair glinted in the sun and Lexa thought it looked like an angel’s halo.

“Are you going swimming?” Clarke asked.

“Uh, no.” She was too embarrassed to admit she still didn’t have any swimsuit despite going shopping for clothes. “I’ll just wait here.” She dug her toes in the sand and awkwardly scratched her shoulder, causing her short sleeves to rise even higher.

Clarke stared at her before falling down on her knees in the sand and reaching out to touch her shoulder. “What happened?”

“I dislocated my shoulder. Several times. They had to do surgery to fix it,” Lexa said, goosebumps appearing in the wake of Clarke’s soft touches. Lexa gulped, a tremble shuddering her body.

Clarke retracted her hand. “Does it hurt?”

“Not now.”

“Is that why you’re back?” Clarke asked, voice small.

Lexa shook her head. “It was time.” Her shoulder was just the final straw and the excuse that got her superior to agree to a discharge. It wasn’t that she couldn’t be an active participant in whatever genocide the army was committing, but Lexa needed a way out. She had already seen too much and still had no answers as to why that had to happen to her best friend. 

Rehearsal dinner was a good way to get everyone together without the stress and emotions of the wedding that would follow the next day. Lexa wore her pants even though the high waist made her itchy and the blouse did not actually have a collar button, leaving her collarbones exposed. Lexa borrowed Echo’s makeup and applied a healthy dose of eyeliner and a light brown eyeshadow that was just a shade darker than her tanned skin tone.

“Well, you look hot,” Echo grinned. 

Lexa shook her head. “I haven’t done makeup since I left, I think I forgot how to do the eyeliner. It’s not smudged, is it?”

“No, you’re fine.”

“Oooh,” Octavia cooed. “I love the outfit. You look fantastic.”

Lexa flushed when Octavia’s comment gathered an audience and now Raven was nodding in agreement and Clarke was smiling at her, the way she used to smile at her, and she was wearing a blue dress that made her eyes stand out and her ample chest was practically on display until Lexa had to force to look away before they could tease her for checking her, whatever Clarke was to her, out. An ex-girlfriend? A girlfriend? A friend? Lexa realized she had no idea.

“You look great,” Clarke complimented her quietly, once they were walking through the door and the rest of the women weren’t listening in on their conversation.

“You’re beautiful,” Lexa breathed out and embedded the beautiful pink blush in her memory. Her fingers tingled with the need to intertwine her fingers with Clarke’s. She wondered if their palms still fit together like they did before, if her constantly cold hands could stay warm underneath Clarke’s touch. But they were seated in separate vans, so Lexa focused on Octavia and Lincoln instead.

The venue was already buzzing with people because the girls were late and Lincoln and the parents were waiting for them. There was Greek music playing and Aurora was greeting everyone. There were seating arrangements and Lexa was sat next to Clarke, most likely a mischievous idea by Raven. It was particularly distracting when their forearms kept bumping while they ate. 

There was a round of speeches, starting with Aurora and then Bellamy and Lincoln and Octavia said a few words, too. But then Raven stood up and raised her glass. "I would just like to add a moment of silence for our friend that we all miss so much, but I know she'd be happy and proud of both of you." Raven paused, and her voice trembled when she added "to Anya".

Lexa lowered her head, her fingers curling around her own glass a little tighter. It was hard to believe that Anya had been gone for so long already. She couldn't help but sniff and then a warm hand reached for her thigh. She jolted before looking up, meeting Clarke's gaze. She expected resentment, fury, anger. Instead all she got was understanding and sadness. In the moment of weakness Lexa placed her hand over Clarke’s craving the contact for just a little longer. Her eyes were wide and far too hopeful when Clarke turned her palm and allowed their fingers to tangle in a familiar way. The silence was over and with music returned Lexa’s anxiety. Her palm was cold but sweaty and she felt guilty untangling her hand from Clarke’s grasp.

“Do you want to dance?” Clarke asked.

She was trying so hard and Lexa could see it in the way blue eyes searched for a sign to keep fighting for them but Lexa was nothing if not hard to reach and she could see the disappointment on Clarke’s face when a sigh fell from her lips. “Tomorrow?” she offered.

Clarke nodded. “I’ll hold you to it.”

Lexa missed the warmth of her hand the second it was removed from her lap and her shoulders slumped when Clarke swayed towards the dance floor. She knew she should have said yes, but Clarke was so beautiful and wonderful and sweet that Lexa just didn’t know how to approach her anymore. It was too similar to her freshman year of college when a pretty girl with bright eyes and light hair turned her world upside down. Clarke twirled around the small crowd on the dance floor and happily accepted Bellamy’s hands on her hips. 

During the break Lexa sneaked outside where Echo was having a smoke and when she offered her one Lexa actually accepted.

“I thought you quit,” Echo said.

“Yeah, but things changed.”

Echo hummed. “For better or worse?”

“I wish I knew,” Lexa replied and inhaled the nicotine, her lungs burning with poison but she refused to cough it out. Cigarettes were few and far in Somalia, but they reminded her of sophomore year of college when Clarke made a plan for them to quit together. 

When Clarke came outside Lexa had the decency to look guilty. Echo chuckled and threw the cigarette butt in the trash. “Don’t want to be around for that, Woods. See you later.”

“Since when do you smoke again?” Clarke asked, arms crossed over her chest and an unhappy frown on her pouty lips.

“I don’t. Not really. Just here and there,” Lexa answered. “Don’t be mad at Echo.”

“I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at you,” she clarified.

Lexa winced and threw away the unfinished cigarette. “I know. I deserve that.”

Clarke scoffed the tip of her high heels at the curb. “Why did you leave? And I want the absolute truth, you owe me that much.”

Words were difficult when her anything and everything with Clarke was on the line. “I couldn’t breathe,” she said quietly, stuffing her hands in pockets that weren’t quite wide enough. “Everywhere I looked, everywhere we went I just kept seeing her everywhere. But not wholly. Just dust.”

There was no body to bury, only a flag for Anya’s father to take home. There was no place they could visit to say goodbye. Anya vanished in the explosion that took her life. That’s all they knew and sometimes Lexa wished she was never present when the phone rang.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Clarke asked and Lexa hated how well she knew her.

She went to say yes but instead she found herself shaking her head. "I thought it was going to be clear. Like a giant sign that said I was doing the right thing. I don't regret it but… I don't know, I can't explain it. I just wanted to feel more like me again, but I worry that I never will."

"You're still you."

"How do you know? That I'm still me?"

"Because you're here,” Clarke said, brushing her fingers along Lexa’s inner forearm. She smiled softly at her and for a second Lexa worried she was going to melt in a touch starved puddle. “As long as you don’t smoke ever again.”

“I promise.”

Satisfied with the answer Clarke let herself touch Lexa’s elbow one last time before going back inside the venue. Maybe Lexa was not the only one who craved closeness but didn’t know how to ask for it. If she was being completely honest she thought Clarke had moved on. She was too wonderful not to. And a few comforting touches here and there didn’t prove Lexa otherwise. 

Unfortunately, Lexa could not hide away in the room for the second night. She didn’t want to, not really, but she just couldn’t help but think she was making their once synchronized friend group a little tense. But they were having a movie night and reminiscing about their past memories. 

“Okay, but remember when Clarke and Lexa were caught making out in the campus cafeteria after telling everyone that they were not dating or even attracted to each other?” Raven giggled.

Lexa brought her legs, clad in sweatpants again, up towards her chest and rested her chin on her knee. Their relationship was only a surprise to them. Apparently everyone else could see they had a crush on each other, but them. 

“Why the cafeteria?” Echo asked, still not understanding why that out of all the places would be appropriate. She was a year older, mentoring Lexa at varsity soccer and noticed Clarke appearing at every practice during second semester of Lexa’s first year.

“That was our first kiss,” Lexa mumbled.

Raven gasped, eyes glinting gleefully. “Okay, but cafeteria?”

“We were stealing a tub of ice cream,” Clarke huffed. “I don’t know, it just happened.”

Lexa agreed. One second they were laughing with melting vanilla ice cream running down their spoons and the next they were crouched behind the counters, hiding from the staff with their lips a breath apart. 

“Come on, I wanna see the movie,” Clarke said, nudging Octavia in the shoulder blade with her foot. 

For someone so eager to watch it, Clarke fell asleep forty minutes later, the top of her head touching Lexa’s thigh. And when her eyes were closed and her face relaxed Lexa could see the tiniest of wrinkles adoring the corners of her eyes and the dark circles around them. She knew she caused that worry and stress. Caving in, Lexa gently threaded her fingers in her hair, freezing when Clarke let out a sigh. When she realized Clarke was still asleep she continued gently twirling strands of hair around her fingers and scratching her scalp until the movie was over and the credits were rolling.

“Are you nervous?” Echo asked Octavia.

“A little. But I’m also very excited. I just need a good night's sleep.”

Raven grinned. “Is Lincy waiting for you in your suite?”

Octavia huffed. “Of course he is. We are so not doing any stupid can’t spend the last night before the wedding together. We can’t sleep without each other, so if you don’t mind I will be leaving to cuddle with my soon-to-be husband.”

It reminded Lexa of her and Clarke. How they used to be unable to sleep without each other. Sometimes Lexa thought she still couldn’t, but she had to adapt.

“Don’t let Clarke sleep on the couch or she’ll complain about a sore neck tomorrow,” was the last thing Octavia told them, her eyes particularly focused on Lexa. 

Lexa accepted it with a nod. Echo and Raven raced to the showers and she was left alone with sleeping Clarke. She might have had a bum shoulder, but Clarke’s weight was comforting as she picked her up with minimal justling and carried her to the bedroom Clarke shared with Raven. Lexa gently laid Clarke in the bed and paused by her side, taking one last glance at the woman who owned her heart. She sighed and turned around when warm fingers clasped around her wrist causing her to halt.

"Stay, please. I'm tired of sleeping alone."

She shouldn't have caved, but Lexa hadn't held anyone since the night she left Clarke and she was tired and maybe a little hopeful that one day she could mend their relationship, so she slipped in the bed. Lexa shuddered when their bare feet brushed against each other and then turned around, she didn't think she could not kiss Clarke if they continued to face each other. What she didn't expect was Clarke's arms wrapping around her from behind.

They used to argue over who was the big spoon until Lexa made a PowerPoint presentation on why she was the front spoon. Clarke laughed until she was breathless and watery eyed, and Lexa was helplessly in love with her.

Clarke's grip around Lexa tightened. "Sshh, you're okay."

Lexa hadn't realized she was shaking. Nor that she was crying. She opened her mouth to take a deep breath, but a large sob came out instead. Lexa curled into a fetal position, embarrassed and ashamed that she lost control over her emotions.

"It's okay," Clarke continued to soothe. "You're safe."

Lexa laid there, with Clarke’s arms around her until her sobs turned into hushed sniffles and she could feel Clarke’s warm and steady breath on the back of her neck. She hadn’t fallen asleep next to anyone since the night she replaced her body with a pillow for Clarke to cuddle to. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered into the stillness of the night.

She heard Clarke’s deep inhale and felt her arms tighten around her, but there was no verbal response and Lexa pretended Clarke was asleep and never heard her confession. But having Clarke so close and not being able to have her the way Lexa wanted her was too much. And when Lexa was sure Clarke was asleep she laid the gentlest kiss on her forehead and left her alone. She fell asleep on the couch with the movie they had just seen replaying until Octavia found her there the next morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**PART TWO**

_ Let me apologize I’ll make up, make up, make up, make up for all those times. _

Nobody asked Lexa why she slept on the couch and she was grateful for it even if Clarke did not look at her the entire morning while they got ready for the wedding and that admittedly hurt. When Echo disappeared for a quick smoke and a make out session with Bellamy Lexa was slightly jealous. Not about the make out part, but she wished she could poison herself with a burning cigarette without upsetting Clarke.

Due to showing up practically unannounced Lexa was not an active participant in the wedding. She sat in the second row, but that was it. And she got to watch the rest of her friends walk down the aisle wearing peach colored dresses. Lexa had never seen Clarke in that color and a knot formed in her throat at the realization she could have missed this. It wasn’t just about Clarke either, two of her closest friends were getting married and it took an injured shoulder and weekly calls from Lincoln to be a part of it. Lexa wished she wasn’t so stubborn and maybe a better friend to the one person she felt hadn’t given up on her yet.

The ceremony was sweet and cute and their simple vows had most of the audience dabbing at their eyes. Lexa’s eyes were locked on Clarke, unable to look away even if she wanted to. Clarke noticed it, too, but she was turned to the side so she could watch Octavia and Lincoln. A long time ago, at least it felt like that, Lexa thought about marriage herself. But now, everything in her was focused on Clarke knowing there was a possibility that Clarke did not feel the same.

With somewhat of a dread Lexa approached the newlyweds to congratulate them. She really was happy for them and there was a sense of accomplishment knowing her friendship, at the time, with Clarke brought them together. They used to joke which couple was going to get married first after graduating. Lexa always thought it would be her and Clarke.

Somehow the venue was even more lively than it was during the rehearsal dinner. Everyone was laughing and seemed to genuinely be having a great time while still waiting for Octavia and Lincoln to arrive from their photoshoot on the beach. They covered them in rice grains and indulged them with group pictures.

Lexa was too far away to hear what Octavia was telling Clarke but she must had been pleading because there was a pout on her face before they both abruptly glanced towards Lexa. Lexa quickly turned away, feeling like a middle school child that was just caught staring at their first crush. Clarke walked towards her cautiously. “Hey,” Lexa said, when she realized Clarke wasn’t going to speak up first.

“Hi,” Clarke said back. “Octavia was wondering if you’d want to join us for some smaller group photos? Just us?”

“Why did she send you?” Lexa asked, but she knew why.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Because she said you’d do it if it came from me.”

“Do you want me to?” 

“Of course, I do. Lexa,” Clarke groaned, clearly frustrated. “This is still your family and Lincoln’s your oldest friend.” Lexa felt her chest contract at that, knowing it used to be Anya. “We still care about you, even if you did a really dumb thing. I need you to stop fighting with yourself for a moment and actually enjoy this wedding and the vacation.”

Letting her words sink in Lexa smiled in the pictures and when she put her arm around Clarke’s waist for the last group photo she didn't feel like they were worlds apart, even when Clarke stepped away and her fingers clenched in an empty fist.

Octavia and Lincoln’s first wedding dance was lovely and everyone cheered when they shared a kiss on the dance floor. In the back of her mind, Lexa could hear Anya pretending to gag.

When it was time for people to join on the dance floor Lexa painfully remembered the promise she made to Clarke the day before. She fixed her dress, but chickened out when the song started before she was ready to stand up. Lexa knew the song and waited until it was at its last chorus before standing up. The seating arrangement was moved around, so she had to circle the table to get to Clarke on the other side with her hand outreached. “Care to dance?”

Clarke looked pleasantly surprised and she nodded, accepting Lexa’s hand in a soft grasp. Despite Lexa being the one who asked it was Clarke who led them to the dance floor. But when the upbeat pop song ended a slow one began. Once Clarke hooked her arms around her neck Lexa gripped her waist with confidence she didn’t really have. There was an awkward distance between them, one that Lexa desperately tried to make disappear by inching Clarke closer. With a tension dropping smile Clarke stepped closer until they were chest to chest and let Lexa take the lead.

This was the closest they had been in two years and Lexa’s heart was hammering so hard she could feel the pulse in the tips of her ears. Clarke still fit perfectly in her arms, smelled sweetly of vanilla and looked at her in a way Lexa didn’t consider herself worthy. The chorus to Shallow was heart wrenching and helplessly Lexa leaned her forehead against Clarke’s.

Clarke looked up at her, warm breath washing over Lexa’s lips. Her eyes fluttered closed, eyelashes twitching. The tip of her nose touched Lexa’s before brushing alongside it into the soft skin of Lexa’s cheek.

“Clarke,” Lexa croaked out breathlessly. Her lips tingled, her body temperature rose at the mere thought of kissing Clarke again. Her fingers clawed at the extra dress material around Clarke’s hips to pull her closer but nothing was close enough.

At the sound of her name Clarke jerked her head backwards, a shuddering breath falling from her mouth as her eyes opened revealing the darkest blue Lexa ever saw. She let her hands fall from where they were intertwined behind Lexa’s head to her elbows which she gripped tightly. “We can’t. Not here.”

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone,” Lexa said and immediately knew it was the wrong thing to say.

Clarke’s eyes hardened and she actually snapped at Lexa, though quiet enough for nobody else to hear. “You left me, I don’t think you have any right to speculate whether I’m dating anyone else or not.”

Lexa let the fabric of Clarke’s dress slip through her fingertips until her hands were limply by her sides. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I’m not, though. Seeing anyone,” Clarke clarified. “But that still doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. I know you needed the space and that you did what you thought was best for everyone, but sometimes you need to stop thinking with your head and listen to your heart. Not everything has to be logical or make sense.”

Anya always used to tell her head over heart, but that was before she met Raven and before Clarke and Lexa started dating. When she died, Lexa clung to the things Anya taught her. “I’m sorry for hurting you,” Lexa said, with so much pain in her voice that even Clarke teared up.

“But you’re not sorry for leaving.”

Lexa shrugged, mainly to herself. “I don’t know. I was hoping to find a piece of her over there but after bootcamp I realized why she never wanted to talk about her tours. I couldn’t just leave after that, though.”

“Did you miss us? At all?” Clarke asked, voice cracking.

Lexa nodded, her throat closing up. “Of course.”

“Just not enough,” Clarke concluded with a heartbreaking nod.

Lexa wanted to reach out and smooth the frown lines with her fingers, but she was even more worried about her touch being unwanted. “I missed you so much, Clarke. My heart hurt every day knowing that there was a possibility I lost you for good and I couldn’t go back in time to change anything. I missed the sound of your voice, the way you’d laugh at my jokes, the way you would hold me just a little tighter whenever I had a bad day. I missed the way you say my name. I miss the way you tell me you love me.”

“You didn’t call. You didn’t text. You didn’t write,” Clarke listed. “Imagine how I felt when Octavia told me you’ve been talking to Lincoln but not me.”

“I didn’t know how. And I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me. Clarke, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Clarke dropped her hands from Lexa’s elbows and reached for her hands instead. They stood still in the center of the dance floor, surrounded by people who weren’t paying any attention. “You’re still the ridiculously smart, overachieving, beautiful, funny woman you’ve always been. You’re also the same woman that left in the middle of the night two years ago. You can’t change your past, Lexa. And you can’t change what happened to Anya either.”

She was painfully aware of that, but Clarke saying it out loud made it feel even more real. They never really talked about losing her and the only person Lexa spoke to about Anya was Lincoln because she knew him for almost as long as she’d known Anya. “I know.”

“Okay. Well, I need a drink.”

Lexa let her hands fall to her sides and watched Clarke leave the dance floor. She went back to her table, wondering just how much she fucked up. She wasn’t alone for too long, Echo dragged her outside and this time she only watched her have a smoke, and then Raven called her to the bar saying that the glass of sparkling water she was nursing looked pathetic.

They were still by the bar, Lexa was on her second glass of wine, when Octavia joined them. “I’m so glad you’re here,” Octavia said followed by a long sigh as she clung to Lexa, rubbing their heads together. “It just hasn’t been the same without you.” She was already very tipsy and Lexa knew she would never tell her that if it wasn’t for the alcohol and maybe the atmosphere of the wedding.

“Octavia, I’m really sorry I haven’t been there for you.” Apologizing to Octavia was a lot easier than apologizing to Clarke, it appeared.

“I know. I can see it in your sad puppy eyes. But you should be telling Clarke that, not me.”

Lexa shook her head. “I should be apologizing to all of you. I just don’t know where to start with her.” They were more strangers than they were lovers and fuck, if that wasn’t the most terrifying thing to Lexa.

“Clarke, she’s strong. And she cares. Maybe too much. You really hurt her when you left, but if you give it time and maybe some sucking up you can still fix it. Just, be patient. You owe her that much.”

“I owe her everything.”

At that Octavia rolled her eyes. “I know you love her or whatever, but you have a lot going for you. With or without Clarke. I know I just told you that your relationship is salvageable, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize all the great things you have going on. You’re a fucking lawyer for god’s sake. And if that doesn’t sound good Lincoln still has his dojo and is always looking for more trainers. It took us a while to move forward, but we’re in a good place now. It’s your turn now. No more self-depreciation and no more running. If you hurt Clarke ever again in any kind of way I will punch you square in the face.”

She might have been shorter, but Lexa was all too aware of the power of her punches. It was by total accident when Lexa ended with a fist to her face during a friendly game of football in the backyard of the Griffin’s house. A trip to an emergency room and a lot of ice later Lexa left with a tape on her broken nose. It was funny then, but Lexa took it seriously in that moment. “I think that’s acceptable. What should I do?”

“Hell, I have no idea. I just got married and all I care about is having wild sex on a Greek beach.”

Lexa immediately grimaced, the image Octavia just placed in her head leaving her shuddering in disgust. “Okay, that’s detailed enough.”

Octavia smirked. “Just come home. With them. Linc and I will stay here for another ten days, but Clarke, Raven, Echo and Bell have a flight scheduled for tomorrow evening. Be on that plane.”

Afterwards Octavia drunkenly threw the bouquet, missing the group entirely and landing it in the middle of one of the tables, spilling wine glasses in the process. Clarke caught it on the second try, flinching when the soaked bouquet sprayed wine all over her. Lexa couldn’t help but think that two years ago everyone would have teased them.

It wasn’t until the wedding venue was closing that Lexa realized exactly what she agreed to. When she landed in New York she ran through the airport to catch her flight to Santorini and didn’t have time to think about the significance of the place. But going back was as terrifying as it was necessary. Lexa knew she had to face the city she left and at least this way she wouldn’t do it alone.

At one in the morning the last light in the shared villa turned off. Everyone turned in for the night, except for Lexa who laid on the couch and watched the television. Despite the good day and the happiness that radiated off of everyone at the wedding she still struggled with the darkness. Eventually the background noise lulled her to sleep.

The sound of the TV suddenly shut off but Lexa was still in that pleasantly blissful state between asleep and awake. “Why is it that you’re in Greece but can only sleep on an uncomfortable couch with the TV on?”

Lexa’s eyes slowly blinked opened. She expected the harshness of morning light but the living room was still dim and quiet. Clarke was hovering over her and Lexa sighed softly, nuzzling further into her pillow. She realized then that someone must have draped a blanket over her. “The background noise is comforting,” she murmured, voice deep and raspy.

Clarke hummed. She was wearing a thin tank top and Lexa tried not to think about her nipples straining against the fabric.

“What time is it?” Lexa asked.

“Four thirty,” Clarke told her.

“Why are you awake?” She was feeling more awake as concern overtook her.

“I just had to use the bathroom but now I can’t fall back asleep.” And then Clarke lifted Lexa’s legs up so casually before sitting down and settling them over her lap.

Lexa wasn’t sure whether she wanted to stretch out across her lap or curl up. She was still tired though and Clarke’s presence was comforting. A moan threatened to bubble up when Clarke rubbed her calf but she swallowed it down before she could embarrass herself further. “You should turn the TV back on,” Lexa suggested before yawning.

Clarke smiled. “I like the silence better. And actually, you can hear the waves from the sea and the birds chirping. You used to only be able to sleep in total darkness and silence.”

“Yeah, war is loud.”

“Hey,” Clarke called for Lexa’s attention, waiting until green eyes were sleepily focused on her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Lexa sighed but shook her head. “There’s really not much to tell. It was loud and hot and terrifying and lonely.”

“Are you going back?” There was something fearful in her voice and Lexa sat up.

“No. I’m done with that part of my life. I don’t know if I regret it, but there were moments where I thought that there was no way I was going to come back in one piece.”

“Lexa,” Clarke murmured heartbreakingly.

“It wasn’t always that bad, just sometimes. Our base was pretty safe and I was just a rookie so they didn’t send me out into any squirmishes.” Lexa left out the part where the squirmishes came to her, because those were unavoidable. “Some explosions and airstrikes, but I was relatively unharmed.”

“Relatively?”

“There’s a lot of shrapnel falling everywhere,” Lexa admitted. “So, there were a few scrapes here and there.”

“Your shoulder?” Clarke wanted to know.

“We were scouting the area when the jeep in front of us suddenly blew up so our driver swerved off the road and we rolled into a dune. My shoulder dislocated when it got trapped between the seat and the door. They managed to align it, but then it just kept happening when we were training or going on patrol and they decided to operate there in a nearby town.”

“Can I?” Clarke asked, hovering her hand over her shoulder and Lexa realized that while she was talking they ended up sitting shoulder to shoulder.

Lexa nodded. Clarke’s hand was warm and her touch soothing as she pressed and prodded around the scar tissue. There was barely any pain left. Clarke’s hand diligently squeezed around the joint, pressing into the muscles. “What’s your prognosis, doc?”

Clarke smiled at her and Lexa’s heart fluttered in her chest. “You’ll live.”

“Sadly,” Lexa attempted to joke.

But Clarke didn’t think it was funny. “Lexa, we, I, am, so fucking glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to go through that twice. None of us would. And I still don’t understand why you joined the army. Anya hated it.”

When Anya first told Lexa about joining the army she was fourteen and Anya was seventeen and they had known each other for six years then. Lexa was upset and angry, not understanding why someone would willingly offer to do something so barbaric but Anya told her it was the only way they could both go to college. They only had each other and a group home full of older kids who always tried to pick on Lexa. Four years later, Lexa met Clarke and when Anya came to visit her for spring break she was introduced to Raven and for the first time it wasn’t just the two of them against the world.

“I wish I knew. It just made sense at the time,” Lexa said, yawning once more. The sun was starting to rise and the dim room was slowly filling with light. She was still exhausted and Clarke wasn’t faring any better yet neither of them moved. “You should go back to sleep. We still have six hours before we have to get ready to leave.”

Clarke was hopeful and warm and soft looking at her. “You’re coming with us?”

Lexa nodded.

“Good,” Clarke told her.

“Will you sleep now?”

“If you insist,” Clarke teased.

“I insist,” Lexa nodded with a small smile. She waited until Clarke was out of sight in the darkness of the hallway before falling back on the couch with a soft exhale. Her eyes fluttered shut and she didn’t wake up again until Raven sat on her stomach seven hours, later joking about the couch being extra squishy.

There wasn’t much for Lexa to pack considering she hadn’t brought that much in the first place. Her duffel back felt heavier with her uniform and combat boots in it, but she felt lighter. They ordered lunch and she could hear Raven interrogating Clarke when they were in the dining area, looking through the menus.

“Where did you disappear to at four am?” Raven asked.

“What?” Clarke feigned ignorance.

“You woke me up when the door closed. And then you didn’t come back,” Raven continued.

“Yes, I did.”

Raven narrowed her eyes. “When?”

“I don’t know. It was past five. Why are you asking me that?”

“Where were you?”

“In the living room.”

Raven gasped. “Did you,” she wiggled her eyebrows, “with Lexa?”

“No,” Clarke groaned. “We just talked. That’s all.”

“When have the two of you ever just talked?” Raven mocked. In college, not even the word shower meant just a shower.

“Since she left me in the middle of the night,” Clarke snapped and Raven winced. “Things are different, okay? And I’m still trying to figure it out. Just please drop it.”

“Sorry,” Raven said, giving Clarke a side hug. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wish things were the way they used to be.”

“Me too,” Clarke told her. “But it’s too soon.”

Lexa stopped listening after that just because it made her heart hurt and she also didn’t want them to know she accidentally overheard their conversation. There were still thirty minutes before they had to vacate the house but Lexa slung her duffel bag over her shoulder and stood by the entrance.

“You’re the awkwardest person I’ve ever met,” Octavia told her when she stopped by to say goodbye. 

Lexa shrugged. “I’m ready.”

“Of course you are. But when have Clarke and Raven ever been on time? If you keep standing here your legs will be sore in twenty minutes.”

With that Lexa sat down on the couch she spent her last night on, bag neatly tucked behind her legs to take up as little room as possible. Clarke came to a halt seeing her there, Lexa was wearing the army’s tight green t-shirt that stretched over her shoulders and bulging biceps. It was the only piece of the uniform she didn’t despise. There was just something about the way the sleeves hugged Lexa’s arms.

“Do you have everything?” Clarke asked, after a moment of just staring at her.

Lexa nodded. “I know I never even asked, but thank you for letting me use your shampoo.”

“You’re welcome.” Clarke turned around and then glanced over her shoulder back at Lexa. “Green has always been your color.”

Heat flushed Lexa’s cheeks in a deep pink, the tips of her ears burning. She was twenty-seven and blushing over something Clarke said. She averted her eyes but not before catching Echo’s knowing smirk which made it worse. With a quiet groan Lexa leaned sideways until she was spread across the across, her feet still on the floor.

Something solid hit Lexa in the abdomen and she grunted standing up so quickly she swayed on her feet, a phone falling on the floor with a thud. “Raven,” she gasped. “Don’t do that. I was ready to hit you.”

“Shit, I forgot how you army people are,” Raven realized, pain flashing through her eyes when she heard her own words. 

Lexa swallowed. “What did you throw at me?”

“Your phone. You left it on the floor in the room.”

“Oh. It’s dead anyway.”

“Don’t you have a charger?”

Lexa shrugged. It was somewhere in the duffel back but nobody ever reached out to her so she never bothered charging her phone. And electricity was sparse in the base in Somalia. There was always someone with a family that needed the socket more. 

“Guys, guys, come on give aunty O a group hug.”

It was filled with loud complaints but warm embraces and a comforting hand rubbed Lexa’s back the entire time she was sandwiched between Octavia and Lincoln. When they pulled apart Clarke was already a step away from her and all Lexa could do was look longingly at her. 

A ticket was placed in Lexa’s hand and Lincoln beamed at her. “I’ll pay you back,” she told him.

“Don’t even,” he threatened. “You’re the one without a job. Besides, I still owe you like a couple of thousand bucks from when you helped me out when I opened the dojo.”

“You don’t owe me that much,” Lexa brushed it off.

“Lex, you got your law firm to partner with me and that’s what kick started my business. And you volunteered to teach the kids for free until I was able to hire more people. I definitely do. Anything to get you back home.”

Everything was fine on the way to the airport and through customs. It was in the waiting area that she started to freak out, just a little bit. Did she still have a home? What if she didn’t? She barely had enough money for a meal, let alone to book a motel room. Their flight was called and everyone started moving towards the gate. Lexa stayed behind, feet frozen with her throat drier than the desert she spent the past few years of her life in. She panicked momentarily when she realized her friends, her Clarke, were unaware she was slowly losing sight of them in the crowd. There was a knot Lexa just couldn’t swallow no matter how hard she tried but then she saw Clarke halt and turn around. Lexa hung her head low, feeling embarrassed.

“Lex?” Clarke called out so softly it was almost deafened by the loud airport sounds. “You okay?”

The duffel bag felt heavy slung across Lexa’s shoulder and her boots squeaked when she tried to take a step forward. “I don’t know. I don’t-”

“You have your passport, right?”

Lexa nodded stiffly. 

“Is there anything you need?” 

_ You. _ “No,” Lexa answered bravely instead. Yet, she remained unmoving and hesitantly glanced towards their friends who seemed concerned. Or impatient. Or both. “Everything’s different. There.” Home, was what she refused to say.

Clarke cocked her head to the side, left eyebrow arching. “Is it?”

“Yes. It’s… Everything happened there. It’s different.” They were different. And that’s what really pained Lexa. When she left home she had an apartment she shared with the love of her life and it would be naive of her to think Clarke wanted to still live with her, or if she even lived there.

“We’re all different than we were two years ago, Lexa. You were not the only one affected by Anya’s death. We all fell a little bit apart. Raven slept with Finn, Octavia and Lincoln broke up for a few months, Echo dropped out of uni. I stopped painting. And you left.”

Lexa felt Clarke’s words like a knife through her chest. It burned and ached and she didn’t know what to do or say to make it better. 

“But that’s still home. Our crappy apartments and stressful jobs and Wednesday morning coffee runs and too much wine on Saturday nights. It’s up to you if you still want to be a part of that, but you need to make a decision soon. It’s too exhausting,” Clarke said and finished with a heavy sigh as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. 

Lexa hitched the duffel bag higher, fingers tightening around the strap. Clarke was looking at her, waiting, most likely for her to say something but Lexa’s throat felt raw as if she just spent the entire weekend screaming. She took a step forward and then another one until Clarke was walking too and they joined their friends. Clarke brushed past her, catching up with Echo to make sure they were heading for the right gate but before Lexa had the chance to fall behind again Raven bumped into her shoulder with a reassuring grin.

The plane taking them back was all kinds of uncomfortable, but at least all their seats were close. Lexa took a window seat, Raven next to her and Abby blocking Lexa’s potential exit. In the row ahead were Bellamy, Clarke and Echo. More family members and friends were scattered throughout the plane, but some of them decided to stay a few more days in the beautiful Greece. Lexa leaned against the window, exhaustion setting in her bones. It felt like a good step towards getting Clarke back but Lexa still wasn’t sure where exactly they stood.

It wasn’t long after take off that Lexa fell asleep. She was always an active sleeper, tossing and turning and kicking all her bed partners. But now she also had the wonderful bonus of nightmares. She was roused from her sleep by a hand gently shaking her shoulder. It wasn’t Raven that was next to her or even Abby, but Clarke. And Lexa realized she was slumped across two seats. “Huh?” she uttered dumbly.

“Sorry, Raven wanted to switch seats. You were talking in your sleep.”

Lexa rubbed her eyes until she saw stars before focusing on Clarke. “Yeah, that happens sometimes. Where’s your mom?”

“She went to sit next to Aurora, there was an empty seat.”

“Oh.”

“Do you have nightmares?” Clarke wondered.

“Not the kind you think.” It was always Clarke who disappeared in a mist of shrapnel and Lexa had to watch it over and over without being able to save her. “It’s fine, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Clarke didn’t believe her. Instead she took out her earphones and passed one bud to Lexa. “Would listening to music help?”

They had a radio in Somalia that played local music, but Lexa hadn’t heard anything considered popular in America since she left. She agreed, but kept her head rigidly straight to avoid touching Clarke too much. However, it was a long flight and eventually Lexa succumbed, relaxing in her seat. The artist Clarke was playing sounded familiar enough for Lexa to be comfortable whilst knowing she missed a release of a new album. Oddly enough, it was those things that she missed the most. New music, new movies, new TV shows, new people Clarke probably adored but Lexa had no idea who they were. 

“What’s your favorite song?” Lexa asked.

Clarke turned her head to look at her, earbud falling out of her ear. “What?”

“There’s probably a lot of new songs. What’s your favorite one?” Lexa rephrased.

Instead of answering verbally Clarke placed the earbud back in its place and scrolled through her phone until she found what she wanted. She pressed play. 

Soft piano notes hit their ears followed by a smooth male voice and as Lexa listened to the lyrics her heart throbbed in her chest.  _ I need somebody to heal, somebody to know, somebody to have, somebody to hold.  _ She glanced at Clarke who had her eyes glued to the phone screen and Lexa didn’t know what to do with her own body. The song ended and another played. And another. And another. And then, Clarke’s head fell on her shoulder. Lexa held her breath, squinting sideways to see if Clarke just fell asleep before she realized her thumb was still moving across the touch screen. She smelled good and her soft hair tickled Lexa’s neck. There were all these sensations that Lexa once intimately knew but now felt new and even strange. But it was a long flight back and there was little they could do besides listening to music or watching movies. And Lexa never particularly liked movies.

“Are you still awake?” came Clarke’s soft voice and all the wind was knocked out of Lexa’s lungs when she glanced down at her and realized how close her lips were.

“Yes,” Lexa replied hoarsely, quickly turning away.

“There’s this new show, it’s really good. It has Sandra Oh and Jodie Cormer. Oh, and One Day at a Time got cancelled.”

Lexa frowned. “What?”

“But it got picked up again, so that’s good.”

Lexa shook her head, her mind already reeling from too much information. “What’s the show with Sandra?”

“It’s called Killing Eve. The title is pretty self-explanatory.”

They weren’t killing a girl named Eve together, one of them was named Eve and the other girl was… trying to assassinate her? It was interesting and gay and normally Lexa would have loved it, but she hadn’t been sleeping well for the past two years and Clarke was next to her being so wonderful and comforting that she just fell back asleep.

The plane touch downed at eight minutes past six in the evening and despite sitting on that plane for over nine hours they only lost three hours thanks to the time difference. At least Lexa wasn’t tired anymore and thanks to the meal on the plane she wasn’t hungry either. She was already feeling disconnected the moment they entered baggage claim, thinking about what the hell she was going to do in New York. 

She had them, Lexa knew, but there were boundaries. In the way Abby was continuously checking in on her daughter every time Lexa talked to her, the way Raven would seek Clarke’s eyes if Lexa stood too close, how Echo sometimes didn’t know what to say to her. And so, clad in her uniform t-shirt and duffel bag thrown over her shoulder she followed them to the exit.

“I can give you a ride?” Clarke offered.

Lexa didn’t know where she would take a ride to, so she shook her head. “It’s fine. I have a thing at the VA,” Lexa said. She didn’t and she immediately felt guilty for lying, but she didn’t know how Clarke would react if she told her she had nowhere to go.

“Oh. That’s good. My number is still the same, so call me later.”

Lexa nodded, not remembering her phone was dead until the car already drove off. The city hadn’t changed at all and Lexa still knew her way around it thanks to the years of running through shortcuts, trails and park paths. And that’s exactly where she ended. In the park.


	3. Chapter 3

**PART THREE**

_ Just wait, can you come here please? Cause I want to be with you. _

It wasn’t warm the way Greece had been nor humid the way Lexa had come to know Somalia, but it wasn’t cold yet and she figured she could squeeze a few more weeks out of the park before having to think about a warmer shelter to hide from the rapidly approaching winter. And with that in mind, Lexa found an empty bench under a solid tree and sat down. She looked out of place, surrounded by fast paced people walking to and from jobs, running errands and rushing through the evening. 

The peace only lasted for so long before Lexa started to panic ever so slightly. The clothing she had in the duffel bag was limited and all of it needed a good wash; or a good fire to burn. Her phone’s battery was drained and her charger was hanging by its last threads. She also had no jacket, water or toiletries. Really, Lexa was doomed but at seven pm she couldn’t worry when a group of rambunctious children came squealing by. 

Park was an easy place to lose track of time in. But when the noises settled and the disappearing sun started to darken shadows underneath the trees Lexa knew she needed to find a way to settle for the night. She still seeked the light from the tall park headlights, but she didn’t want to sit by the main path where everyone could see her. As the last sun rays vanished the wind picked up. It wasn’t bitter, but it was definitely too cold for Lexa to not have jacket. She shivered and bundled on the bench so that her duffel bag protected her from the cold.

It only got worse when dark clouds gathered above the city and let loose. Lexa tried not to care when it dripped down her forehead, tried not to cry when she felt it soak through her flats - she should have put her boots back on even if they felt tainted. Lexa brushed the rain drops away with the back of her hand and stared upwards, flinching when it landed directly in her eye. She closed her eyes afterwards, letting nature take its course. 

People were still walking through the park, so it wasn’t weird for Lexa to hear conversations. She tried not to care, she was well hidden away that everything sounded distant and safe. 

“Ma’am.”

Lexa gasped and sat upright, her bag falling on the muddy ground. There were two police officers, badges and guns and all that, looking at her. “Yes?”

“We’re going to ask you to come with us to the station.”

When Lexa looked around she noticed someone staring at them from a safe distance, most likely the person who called them. Lexa kind of wanted to scream. “I don’t think that’s going to be necessary,” she deflected. She went to pick her bag up but got interrupted.

“Hands where I can see them,” the officer threatened.

The second officer shoved a breathalyzer in Lexa’s mouth before she could react and she instinctively blew in. It didn’t show anything, because Lexa didn’t drink any alcohol, but the results didn’t seem to please them.

“Stand up, hands behind your back.”

“Why?”

“Sleeping in the park is a criminal offense. Turn around.”

Lexa raised her chin. “Private First Class Woods. I was not sleeping in the park, I was waiting for someone to pick me up. Just came home.”

The officers glanced at each other and one of them reached for a phone, possibly to confirm it. “We need to see some ID.”

She showed them her ID and discharge papers which were crumpled up at the bottom of her bag. They seemed displeased about that, but all Lexa wanted was for them to leave as soon as possible. She put everything back once the officers agreed she wasn’t lying.

“We’ll drive you home.”

Home was complicated, she thought. She didn’t even know if the apartment was still there. For all she knew, they could have buildozed the building since the last time she was there. But she told them their address and sat in the back of their patrol car. 

The apartment building still stood at the corner of the street, ten minutes away from the campus where she met Clarke. It still had the same outdoor paint, the same windows and the same door. Lexa stood in front of it, hoping the police car would drive off so she could leave and find someplace else to stay without bothering Clarke. If she still lived there.

_ Groods. _

It was an inside joke, when they couldn’t decide which last name to put on the intercom. Lexa pressed on the little bell and held her breath. The door buzzed, letting Lexa know it opened.

It was pouring rain, the heavy drops thumping steadily on the roof which Clarke completely missed engrossed in her painting. She hadn’t felt this inspired since before everything happened. It was a surprise she heard a gentle knock on the door. She wasn’t expecting anyone, not even aware she let someone through the door, she just wanted the buzzing to stop. Her heart caught in her throat at the sight of soaked through and dripping Lexa. “Lexa?”

“I didn’t know where else to go,” Lexa admitted, trembling when a strong gust of wind ripped through her body from the opened halfway window.

“I thought you had a thing at the VA?” Clarke asked, forehead creased as she let Lexa in the apartment they once shared. “Hold on, let me get you a towel.”

“I didn’t,” Lexa confessed when Clarke came back. “I just… didn’t think I’d be welcome here.”

Clarke threw the towel at Lexa with unnecessary force and Lexa grimaced. “Where the hell did you plan on staying then? A motel? Someone else’s home? The bar?”

For a moment Lexa considered not answering and just let Clarke be angry with her. Anger was better than upsetting her. “At the park. I was gonna sleep in the park. But then it started to downpour and someone called the cops on me, but I wasn’t under the influence so they let me go.” 

“I’m so frustrated with you.”

“I know,” Lexa sighed. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Lex, the world is not against you. I’m not against you. I’ve waited and waited for you to come back. This is still your home just as much as it was before you left.”

Lexa’s mouth fell agape. “You waited for me?”

“If the roles were reversed would you not wait for me?”

“Of course I would.”

“Why?”

Lexa swallowed audibly. “You know why,” she said quietly.

“But I need you to say it. I need you to hear it.”

“Because I love you,” was whispered in the hallway that held framed pictures which captured their lives from first year of college till a few days prior to the phone call that turned their lives upside down. 

“Exactly. I love you. Even when you’re stupid and reckless and selfish and scared and running away because your best friend died. I love you even when you don’t contact me for two years and I go to sleep every night wondering if tomorrow will be the day I hear something terrible happened to you. I love you even when you think you don’t deserve it or some stupid shit. I love you even after you broke my heart. But that doesn’t mean I’m not angry or upset and that tomorrow we’ll go back to how things were before. You have to earn that. But I love you too much to let you catch pneumonia because you think you don’t have a home. Stay here for however long you want but tonight you’re sleeping on the couch. And take a bath, please. You’re shivering.”

It wasn’t exactly what Lexa wanted, needed to hear but it was enough. And despite the urge to wrap Clarke in her arms, to soothe the pain she caused and kiss away the tears that threatened to spill she offered a smile, probably the first one that wasn’t completely forced and headed in the bathroom. She was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, still clad in soaked clothes when Clarke came back with soft sweatpants and Lexa’s favorite hoodie, it used to belong to Clarke but after their first night spent together it ended in Lexa’s closet. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Come say goodnight before you settle for the night, okay?” Clarke requested in that really tired voice and Lexa felt even guiltier. 

“I will.”

If taking a hot shower felt great soaking in steaming water was even better. She put in a bath bomb and bubbles until the water was glittery purple and she covered in suds up to her shoulders. And there was a bottle of  _ her _ shampoo, still there after two years. Being back home felt as good as it was terrifying. Lexa was scared shitless about the next day and the day after that and the day after that until eventually Clarke was going to get tired of her.

“Lexa?” came Clarke’s muffled voice from the other side of the door. “Are you okay? You’ve been in there for an hour.”

The water was only lukewarm then, Lexa realized. “Uh, yes. Sorry, I kind of lost track of time.”

“Okay, just don’t fall asleep in the water.”

Lexa got out of the bath and dried off, wrapping her hair in a towel. She had been so used to constantly have her hair in a ponytail that it felt odd letting it be loose. When she stepped out of the bathroom her bare feet touched the warm wooden floor, a shocking contrast to her soaked flats. Which reminded her of her dripping duffel bag and dirty clothing.

Laundry room was still where it used to be, tucked away between the kitchen and the bathroom. She threw in everything but her uniform and added her favorite laundry detergent with joy she didn’t think she could possess about doing laundry. But before the machine could rumble to life Lexa headed towards the bedroom to ask Clarke if it was okay. She knocked, which felt silly because it used to be her bedroom too.

“Yeah?”

Lexa peered through the gap between the door and the frame. “Um, I was wondering if it was okay to do my laundry? I just know the machine can be noisy sometimes and-”

“You don’t have to ask. And actually, it’s not loud anymore. I replaced the drum.”

“Oh.”

“Lexa, it’s totally fine. And relax, please. Nothing horrible is going to happen.”

Lexa nodded awkwardly. “I’m not gonna say goodnight, yet. I just wanted to know about the laundry.”

Clarke laughed softly behind her. Lexa hungrily memorized the sound. Once the washing machine took to a quiet rumble Lexa went in the living room. A mountain of pillows and a cozy duvet were left on the couch for Lexa and they all smelled like Clarke. Unable to resist Lexa brought one of the pillows up to her face and just breathed it in. She realized how weird she must have looked and dropped it back on the couch. She double checked the locks on the door, old habits die hard, before heading back to Clarke’s room.

Her hair tips were still wet, dripping water on Lexa’s sweatshirt but not to the point it would bother her. She didn’t know whether to lean against the doorframe or sit on the bed. Where was the line?

Eventually Lexa stepped inside the room and spoke up. “Thank you.”

“For letting you do your laundry?” Clarke asked, eyes on her phone while she layed dangerously close to the edge of the bed to make sure it still reached the electrical socket. 

“No, for letting me stay, I mean. I know I haven’t been the… easiest to deal with the past few days.”

“I’m not doing it for free. You’re making breakfast tomorrow,” Clarke decided like it was the easiest thing in the world.

And maybe it could be. Maybe Lexa could be brave and wish the love of her love goodnight before falling asleep on the couch enwrapped in her smell and cook her breakfast in the morning. “Deal. What do you want?”

“Surprise me.”

Everything sounded so sensual coming from Clarke and Lexa felt heat coil in her stomach. Breathless and flushed she agreed. She hovered by the door, wanting to spend more time with Clarke, but maybe she had work the next day and had to get up early. “Um, goodnight then.”

Clarke dropped her phone on the nightstand to sit up. Her hair was ruffled from being laid on, but in the glimmer of the nightlight she looked soft and beautiful and capable of breaking Lexa’s heart. “Did you find everything you need on the couch?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s extra blankets in the hallway closet, if you’ll need more. And you can have the TV on for the entire night, I don’t really mind. Just try to get some sleep.”

“Thank you. I hope you sleep well,” Lexa said, swallowing the knot in her throat. “G’night.”

“Night,” Clarke murmured back.

When Lexa laid down and pulled the comfortable duvet up to her shoulders she had no time to reach for the remote before her eyes started to droop. It was the best sleep she got in a really long time, the dreamless kind where she woke up in the same position she fell asleep nine hours later. She felt disoriented at first. The apartment felt familiar, but she had gotten used to the military tents and the smell of war which confused her until her feet touched the floor. She tried to check the time on her phone before she remembered it was dead and actually plugged it into the charger before paddling in the kitchen to start on breakfast. It was before nine and the apartment was completely silent aside from the refrigerator buzzing so Lexa thought Clarke was either still asleep or already at work. Not wanting to enter Clarke’s room, Lexa silently went through the cupboards, the pantry and the fridge to find everything she needed for the full breakfast.

Pancake batter was ready, bacon was sizzling, bread was toasting and Lexa was in her element. She felt as if she never left and it was just a regular Thursday where she was cooking breakfast for her girlfriend. Except Clarke wasn’t her girlfriend and Lexa had no idea what she was going to do the next day. 

She was deep in her thoughts when a key turned in the lock before the door was being pushed open, a wonderful smell wafting into the hallway. “Clarke? Are you cooking? It smells awfully lot like breakfast in here and I know you don’t cook.” But Raven didn’t find the usual blonde messy hair attempting to sizzle the bacon to perfection, but braided chestnut curls. “Lexa?”

Lexa startled and hissed, bringing her thumb to her mouth to suckle on the stinging flesh. She turned around with a spatula in her other hand. “I’ll just finish making this and then I will be out of your way.”

“This is your apartment. I was just surprised to see you here, it’s been a while.”

“It used to be,” Lexa sighed, fiddling with the pan.

Raven furrowed her eyebrows. “Well, where else are you gonna go? Cause you can’t just sleep outside.”

Clarke let out a snort, finding the perfect moment to enter the kitchen. “Tell her that, she tried to spend the night in the park. Cops had to drop her off.” Her voice was raspy from sleep, but oddly cheery for someone who wasn’t usually a morning person.

Lexa at least had the decency to look guilty. “I didn’t know it was going to rain.”

“It’s fall. It’s gonna rain every other day now,” Raven rebutted. 

“I won’t do it again,” Lexa sighed, rolling her eyes. She realized she made way too much breakfast for just Clarke and her, so she plated Raven’s portion as well and slid it across the counter with a fork. “Eat.”

“I missed your food,” Raven said, not wasting another second.

Lexa already brewed coffee and poured in, what she remembered used to be, Clarke’s favorite mug. She was gentler with Clarke’s breakfast than she was with Raven’s, carefully placing each component on a clean plate and serving it with a steaming cup of coffee.

“Thank you,” Clarke said.

Raven watched them with an ear to ear grin, looking ready to burst from joy. “It’s good to be home,” she concluded with a satisfying nod, continuing her breakfast like she hadn’t spoken at all.

Lexa timidly looked down at her own coffee, fighting a reaction. “Would you like coffee, Raven?”

“I’m good,” Raven mumbled with a full mouth making even Clarke cringe.

“What are your plans for the day?” Clarke asked.

“I have to go to the VA.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Somehow I don’t believe you.”

Lexa let out an awkward laugh. “Today it’s true. I was supposed to land last night but I left early for the wedding. And now that I’m here I have to get some papers and an appointment for my shoulder to see if I need physio. I’m sorry I lied yesterday.”

“If you’re really sorry you’ll let me drop you off. I have to go to work later, I was supposed to have off for the rest of the week, but apparently it’s urgent.”

“I’ll just stay here and eat breakfast,” Raven chimed in. “Lexa, what are you making for dinner?”

“Um, I don’t know?”

“You don’t have to make anything,” Clarke told her. “And I’m revoking your emergency key privileges,” was directed at Raven.

Raven appeared unbothered and too focused on her breakfast to care about what Clarke said. Or maybe she intentionally ignored it.

While they finished their breakfast in silence Lexa grew anxious about her appointment at the Department of Veterans Affairs office. Anya hated anything to do with the VA because she always said they were shit at their job and their literally only job was to make sure the veterans were taken care of. And now Lexa was apprehensive and nervous and unsure about her future.

Although she now had access to her actual clothes she had to wear her uniform, which she ironed carefully. It felt even more suffocating now that she was home and Lexa clawed at her itchy throat, wishing for it to all go away. She fidgeted in the car and wiped her sweaty temples in the sleeve right before entering. 

Despite the nerves it was all fairly routine. Uncomfortable, a reminder to Anya, and an annoyingly long wait, but routine nonetheless. Lexa got an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon that would take over her recovery and asked if she needed a therapist which she declined. She drove Anya to a therapy appointment once, when she came home from a really difficult tour and it was mandatory, but they never talked about what Anya told the professional. Anya never talked about her service. And now, Lexa understood why.

Since Clarke went to work and Lexa was stranded in the city she considered going to her law firm to beg for her old job back. She needed a job and figure out her living situation. Clarke said she could stay for as long as she wanted but Lexa was terrified of waking up one day and being kicked out because Clarke found someone who doesn’t leave in the middle of the night. With a gasping inhale Lexa pushed through the entrance of the building she worked at for only a year before handing in her notice. 

Her boss was very reassuring, maybe even too kind, and as long as Lexa felt ready to go back to her civilian life she was more than welcome to return. She couldn’t make any promises, but at least she was making an effort and that in itself felt good. 

Lexa sent Clarke a message, letting her know she was going to walk home. She used to do it all the time, especially after a hard day. Her whole body felt oddly achy after she entered the apartment despite being used to much worse. She ignored it and opened the fridge, seeing what kind of ingredients there were to make dinner. Pasta was the best and easiest way to please Clarke, but aside from an onion and half a garlic clove there wasn’t much else to work with.

Grocery stores were never her favorite place, but Clarke always made the trips fun for her. Now, she had to do it on her own. At least the small store at the corner of their street was never crowded and also didn’t require a car to get to. She grabbed one of reusable shopping bags and left with a big breath of bravery. The only annoyance she encountered was waiting far too long at a checkout line because only one was available.

By the time Clarke came home the apartment smelt deliciously of roasted garlic and mushrooms. The water for pasta had just started to simmer and there was a second of Clarke wanting to walk up to Lexa and wrap her arms from behind like she used to. Instead she loudly placed her keychain down on the counter. “It smells delicious in here, what are you making?”

“Um, cheesy, creamy mushroom sauce and pasta. Does that work?”

“Yum,” Clarke praised. “But you know you don’t have to cook.”

Lexa shrugged. “I just wanted to do something.”

“You don’t have to. But I appreciate it anyway and I know I’m going to love it. I’m just going to take a shower because I smell like paint.”

Lexa nodded and turned back towards the stove to finish their dinner. It was still early and they probably weren’t going to eat just yet but Lexa had nothing else to do. It was either finish cooking or overthink. And she really didn’t want to overthink in an apartment that was once her sanctuary. So, Lexa kept her chin high and shoulders squared even when Clarke came out of the bathroom wearing her old college sweatshirt and smelling like her favorite perfume.

They ate at the dining table in silence and it was as awkward as a meal could be, but it wasn’t tense to the point Lexa felt uncomfortable. She paused every few minutes, trying to think of something to say but came up empty. “I’ll do the dishes,” she offered once their plates were empty yet neither of them moved. 

“What do you want to do?” Clarke asked when Lexa was elbows deep in soapy water and vigorously scrubbing porcelain. 

“Can we have a movie night?” Lexa suggested bravely and dried her hands in a towel that was slung across her shoulder. “It can be on the couch. And you can update me on anything good that came out while I was gone.”

“Well, Pitch Perfect 3 came out.”

“Did Beca and Chloe finally get together?” Lexa asked hopefully.

“No. Rumor has it they shot a kiss but it got scrapped. You’ll see though. The soundtrack is still good.”

Lexa let out a displeased hum. They moved in the living room and Lexa barely waited for Clarke to find the movie before she was pulling a blanket up to her neck. She hadn’t been feeling all that well during the day but it seemed to have gotten worse the moment she laid down. It wasn’t even ten minutes in when her teeth started chattering.

“Lexa?” Clarke called out, sitting with her feet up on the couch a few inches away from where Lexa’s head was. They were close but not touching. “You’re shivering. Are you cold?”

“No.”

“Your teeth are chattering,” Clarke stated. She leaned over and placed her palm on Lexa’s forehead, almost wincing when it felt scorching hot under her touch. She touched it with the back of her hand as well and then each cheek. “You have a fever. You must have gotten sick when you were in the park.”

Lexa only bunched the blanket higher, so it covered her mouth. “I don’t get sick,” was muffled out.

“Maybe not, but you spent two years in a desert and a few days in a sunny Greece, but here the climate is completely different and you got soaked with rain because of your stubbornness and stupidity.”

Lexa pouted, looking almost too adorable. “I just didn’t want to inconvenience you.”

Clarke groaned loudly and Lexa’s head throbbed in response but she didn’t say anything else. “Lexa, I swear to fucking god, this is the last time I’m telling you this. You’re not an inconvenience or a bother to us. We waited for you to come home, we wanted you to come back. There was no doubt in my mind that if you came back this is where you would be staying. But there’s only so many times I can tell you that without getting tired. You weren’t this insecure before.”

“I wanna do better,” Lexa said. “But I’m so scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. The future.” A future without Clarke.

Clarke sighed, reaching for Lexa’s hand. She didn’t tangle their fingers, just let it rest atop of her hand. “I think it’s early night for you. You should take another bath, it will help with the fever, and I’ll get you some medicine.”

Gratefully, Lexa obeyed. She didn’t stew in steaming water for as long as she had done the night before, but it felt just as good. Especially with a pinch of bath salt. She already felt a little better, but frowned when she went to lay down on the couch and didn’t find any blankets. Or pillows.

“You’re not sleeping on the couch if you’re sick.”

“Oh,” Lexa gulped.  _ Oh. _

The bed was so soft and warm and comfortable it took all of Lexa’s willpower to not just melt into it. She took the pill Clarke offered her first and drank a glass of water before lying down. She layed stiffly on her back, arms by her sides and eyes glued to the ceiling. But then it moved towards the spinning fan and she squinted at it. Anya used to say it reminded her of a chopper. Lexa just felt tired and maybe a little dizzy. She turned on her side and stared at Clarke’s back. She was sitting on the edge of the bed and typed on her phone. When she suddenly whipped her head around Lexa quickly averted her gaze and hoped the heat she felt in her cheeks could be blamed on the fever.

“Are you feeling any better?” Clarke asked. She touched Lexa’s cheek. “You’re still very warm. Your bath wasn’t boiling hot, was it?”

Lexa shook her head. She scooted away from Clarke’s touch. “Can we finish the movie? I want to see what happens.”

The laptop placed between them was a good excuse to create space. As much as Lexa craved her touch, her closeness, her smell, she feared all self-control would be thrown out of the window if she so much as brushed her leg against Clarke’s. And yet.

“Can I hold you?” Lexa asked, heart thumping wildly in her ribcage. 

Clarke tore her eyes away from the movie she had seen four times before and met Lexa’s dazed eyes. “Are you fever talking?”

“No.”

“Okay. But just until you get better and we can properly talk about this.”

They watched the movie until the end before Clarke changed in her pajamas and joined her in bed. Lexa’s entire body shuddered as she cautiously placed her arm low on Clarke’s abdomen. She didn’t want to go too low and any higher she would be touching her breasts and the last thing Lexa wanted to do was make Clarke uncomfortable. Clarke scooted backwards until her butt was nestled comfortably against Lexa’s thighs. Lexa’s breathing was shallow and rapid and she tried not to exhale against Clarke’s neck, nonetheless the goosebumps were still apparent and she shut her eyes knowing Clarke’s body was reacting the same. And then Clarke hugged the arm slung across her abdomen and brought it up higher to a more comfortable place, just below the swell of her breasts. Lexa pressed her nose against Clarke’s neck and tightened her grip, hoping her heart rate would slow down enough to fall asleep.

For the next three days Lexa spent most of her time in that same bed either sleeping or whimpering in discomfort. She felt even worse when Clarke pampered her with movies, comfort food and touches. They were always touching. Whether it was a palm on Lexa’s forehead or an ankle touching hers and or their bodies completely intertwined in ways they used to be familiar with. Clarke had always been the touchy person. She initiated their first hug. She was the one who pulled Lexa closer before their first kiss. When they shared a bed for the first time it was Clarke who rolled over and leaned into Lexa. And Lexa learned to thrive under Clarke’s soft caresses. Even when her nose was congested, her throat sore and her temples throbbing. But eventually her fever went away and she finally got bored of being bundled in a burrito.

But feeling better meant actually owning up to her actions and having a conversation that Clarke deserved, yet Lexa feared. She started with a grandiose breakfast, leaving Clarke tangled in a bundle of sheets. It reminded Lexa too much of the night she left her. She neatly cut some bananas, halved strawberries and piled them on top of golden waffles with a blueberry in the center. Served with steaming coffee, Lexa nodded to herself in satisfaction. She deliberately started being noisy with the dishes to draw Clarke into the kitchen.

“What are you doing up?”

“I got bored of laying around. I feel better today,” Lexa said, though her throat still sounded scratchy when she talked. “And I actually have to go to the hospital later, for that appointment for my shoulder.”

“You already have an appointment?” Clarke asked, accepting a fork and picking up her plate to carry it to the dining table. “It usually takes weeks, if not months, to get it.”

“Um, yeah, when I made the call they took my name and your mom found out, so they got me a free spot for as soon as possible. Do you think a flower bouquet for your mother is too much? Should I get her something else?”

“Why would mom need a gift?”

Lexa shrugged. “Because. She helped me.”

“I’m sure she’s not expecting anything in return. Just get her a box of chocolates and she’ll love it. Can I drive you?”

“I was going to drive myself,” Lexa admitted. “Just wanted to see if I still can, to be honest.”

“Okay. Well, your car was serviced yearly and Raven took it out on drives sometimes, so everything should work fine,” Clarke told her.

Lexa’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh. That’s really nice. Thank you.”

Clarke pulled her lips in a thin line. “We were all hoping you were gonna come back.”

It left Lexa with a strange feeling in her chest, but she didn’t want to run late for an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. She drove sometimes in Somalia, but never outside the base and the jeeps were shift sticks. But the drive to the hospital was actually relaxing, unlike finding a parking spot and she only managed to get to the waiting room when her name was already being called.

Lexa always felt silly performing aerobotics for doctors to conduct the level of mobility. Stretching and rotating, swinging her arm in a circle, bending it in ways she didn’t think an arm should bend. Her shoulder was aching and her muscles felt tighter than before and all Lexa got was a possibility of another surgery to regain full functions into her shoulder joint. It definitely wasn’t the news Lexa wanted to hear because it would only postpone her chances to go to work.

There was an odd smell of baking when Lexa unlocked the apartment door. The smell wasn’t odd, the baking part was. Lexa never baked, it was too precise and too many measurements were involved when she really just wanted to experiment with food; something she was able to do with cooking. And yet, Clarke seemed in her element.

“Since when do you bake?”

Clarke heard Lexa come in and didn’t even turn around, carefully scooping up spoonfuls of cupcake batter into paper cups. “I don’t really know. Raven got me into it and now I actually enjoy it.”

“What are these?” Lexa asked after she dared to step closer. She couldn’t resist dipping her finger in the leftover batter and licking it clean. “Yum.” She went for another scoop when Clarke swatted her hand away. “It’s salty, but sweet.”

“No more tasting for you. It’s salty caramel cupcakes.”

“With icing?” Lexa asked, eyes searching the counter for any tubs of icing.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Obviously. But not until they’re baked and cooled down. How did your trip to the hospital go?”

“Good. The car still runs as smoothly as the day I bought it.”

“I didn’t ask about the car,” Clarke said and put the muffin tin in the preheated oven. “I meant your appointment.”

Lexa drummed her fingers on the counter. “I might need another surgery. I have about twenty percent less mobility in my shoulder than what I should have, so they think they can do better than what the surgeons did on the field.”

“Does it hurt?” Clarke asked, wiping her hands in a kitchen towel as she approached Lexa.

“Only a little because the doctor really stretched it out. I can’t really raise my arm or stretch it out in any direction. But I got a prescription for painkillers and I already took one on the way back.”

“That’s smart. Did you see my mom?”

“No. I didn’t really search for her. She’s a busy woman. Would you mind if I used your computer? I called my boss about any cases I could jump on and she sent me some files over the email,” Lexa explained.

“Sure, it’s in the living room on the coffee table,” Clarke told her. She washed her hands and wiped them dry, watching Lexa carry the laptop to the island counter and turning it on. “But why rush going to work?”

“Well, I need the money. I’m kind of broke. And apartments aren’t cheap.”

Clarke cocked her head to the left. “Why would you need another apartment?”

Lexa scratched her exposed neck. “Because… I’m grateful that you took care of me while I was sick, but I feel better now and I don’t want to extend my invitation. I know you said I can stay for as long as I want to, but maybe, maybe it’s best if I leave.”

“Lexa.”

It came out so defeated that it knocked all the air out of Lexa’s lungs. “I want to do what’s right for the both of us.”

“And what good came out of you leaving in the middle of the night?” Clarke asked, jaw clenching and teeth grinding side to side.

“You’re mad I joined the army,” Lexa said surprisingly calmly.

Clarke huffed. “I’m not mad you joined the army. Well, actually, I am. But I would have still drove you there, hugged you goodbye and two years later I would still have a girlfriend. Lexa, if that was something you felt you needed to do I would have still stood by your side, as terrifying and idiotic as that would be.”

“I know. That’s why I couldn’t do that. If you were there I would have never left the city. Leaving you behind was easier when I thought you were mad at me than seeing you cry would. I know it’s unfair and I know it doesn’t excuse anything, but I thought I did what was best for us.”

“I still cried, Lexa. Just because you didn’t see it happen, doesn’t mean it didn’t. You left me in the middle of the night with nothing but a voicemail and that really fucking hurt. I didn’t know where the hell you were or if you were ever going to come back alive.”

Lexa flinched, eyes squeezing close.

“I’m not saying this to hurt you, but you need to know that it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows just because you didn’t see the aftermath. But I’m okay with moving forward as long as you are.”

“Moving forward?” Lexa echoed, terrified of what that meant. 

“From that night. From everything that happened. I can’t pretend the past two years never happened and I learned a lot while you were gone, but I can’t be stuck on that. I need to move forward, I just have to know are you with me or not?”

“What does that mean?”

Clarke nervously licked her lips. “I don’t know. All I know is that I still love you, but two years is a long time and I feel like I don’t know things about you anymore or that maybe you don’t know if you want to be with me anymore. It means I want to figure this out. Is that okay?”

Lexa nodded. 

“What do you want?” Clarke asked.

“Home. I want to stay home.”

Clarke nodded. “I want you to stay here.”

“But on the couch,” Lexa stated simply, so Clarke wouldn’t have to. As much as she loved holding and being held by Clarke keeping her comfortable was more important. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

Lexa’s lips twitched into a smile, one she was sure was awkward, but the one Clarke returned felt so bright she thought not even the stars could compare.

Surprisingly enough, even after everything being admitted it didn’t feel awkward. Lexa relaxed enough to even agree to frost the cupcakes. They were all kinds of sprinkles and both chocolate and vanilla icing. Lexa was not all that helpful, constantly licking the gooey sweetness of her fingers.

“I did promise Raven some of these, so I think she would appreciate it if you haven’t licked all of the icing,” Clarke playfully stated.

“It’s just so sugary,” Lexa shrugged. She carefully sprinkled grey and golden stars on some of her cupcakes. “I’ve really missed sugar. The granola bars they had there were disgusting. I don’t even know what they were made of.”

Clarke laughed. “I can see that, you’ve got chocolate icing in the corners of your mouth.”

Lexa’s first reaction was to flush in embarrassment, rapidly try to wipe it off and then she laughed. Genuinely laughed. Her cheekbones turned light pink. Clarke was laughing with her and Lexa greedily took it in. “I do want to,” she blurted out quietly.

“What?” Clarke cute furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

“Be with you,” Lexa clarified

Clarke accidentally smeared the icing on the cupcake she was working on and pulled her hand away. “I need time, though. Not away from you, just time with you, I guess? Get to know you again?”

“You need to learn how to trust me again,” Lexa realized with a knot in her throat. “I understand.” Earning her trust and giving her time was something she could easily give. And getting to spend time with Clarke in return was a reward in itself. After no contact for two years Lexa was terrified of having Clarke just slip away and she felt annoyingly needy for every glance, touch, laugh and smile. 

Even when Raven and Echo were loud in the apartment, munching on the prettiest cupcakes, Lexa couldn’t focus on them. Maybe she allowed herself because Clarke was willingly giving all those things up. A smile here, a brush of touch against her back or hand there, always making sure Lexa was involved in whatever they were talking about.

They spent the weekend together, all four of them, doing things they used to do. They went to the movies so Lexa could see something new, they went to a drive thru and stocked up on junk food and they topped it off with an aimless two hour drive. They had no destination, only loud music.

On Monday came a phone call from an orthopedic surgeon who took a closer look at the x-rays Lexa had done at the appointment. It wasn’t good news. After only just starting to feel normal again and trying to relearn how to be a civilian Lexa needed another surgery which meant taking time off work after only just going back. It wasn’t for another few weeks, but it was too soon for Lexa’s liking.

And yet, the next few weeks were some of the best weeks of her life. Lexa’s transition back to work went smoothly and she was back in court before she knew it. And things with Clarke had been, admittedly different than ever before, but they spent their afternoons together and talked. A lot. Mostly about Lexa’s time away which sometimes felt like Clarke was dragging words out of Lexa’s mouth, but they also talked about what Clarke had been up to in the past two years. And she achieved so much. And when Lexa stretched across the couch, pulling a duvet over her shoulders she cried because she wasn’t there to be a part of it all. But they were making new memories, too. Joining Clarke on the weekly coffee runs and texting her during every break even when she had paperwork. And then there were all the afternoons when they were by themselves and relearning each other. It was hard for Lexa to contain her rapidly beating heart when Clarke would snuggle up next to her on the couch, fingers intertwined and watching whatever movie Lexa missed. Their hands were almost always touching when they were alone. And sometimes in the  café as well, underneath the table. But it was also the only form of physical contact they had. Sometimes Lexa wished she could just curl into Clarke’s arms and stay there.

The day before Lexa’s scheduled surgery they had a girls night. Whatever that meant. But the barbecue was fired up on the small balcony of the apartment and Raven was in charge of it which was terrifying in its own way. But while Clarke was occupied Lexa went through their drawers to find some comfortable socks to wear to the hospital. She went as far as going well in the back of the drawer. She pulled out a pair of very fluffy sucks that felt oddly heavy and then all the breath was knocked out of her lungs. Lexa stumbled backwards, crashing into the bedpost and almost falling onto the floor.

Clarke, Raven, Octavia and Echo all immediately came running into the bedroom wondering what the hell was going on. Lexa was trembling on her legs, barely capable of standing upright and squeezing something tightly in her hand. 

“Lexa? Are you okay? We heard a crash.” Octavia sounded concern.

“Did you fall?” asked Raven.

“You look pale,” Clarke pointed out, sinking her teeth in her bottom lip. “Are you feeling okay?” 

Lexa felt like she was going to faint any second then, but she braved on with a shaky inhale. “Two weeks before Anya,” Lexa started before words died in her throat and she had to clear it. “She was here, two weeks before.”

Clarke stepped forward. “Lex, the last time we saw Anya was seven months before her accident.”

Lexa shook her head. “She was here. She called and said she only had twelve hours, but she needed to see me immediately. She sounded happy. Excited, even. She showed up at the apartment and,” Lexa drew in a shaky breath, “she said she requested for a discharge because she completed her contract and it got approved. And then she gave me this.” Opening up her palm revealed an unmistakable ring box. “She was gonna propose, but told me to keep the ring safe until she comes back, that it was going to be a surprise.”

Now Raven was the one who was the closest and she was trembling just as much as Lexa was. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Lexa whispered before she sank on the floor and started crying. Loudly.

She was the only one who didn’t cry at the makeshift funeral. They buried an empty coffin and Lexa did not shed a single tear. Raven was a wreck, Clarke cried in her arms and Echo’s showers ran long so she could cry in privacy. But all Lexa felt was numbness. And she knew they were all judging her for not crying then.

“Clarke?” Raven checked, her eyes glossy with unshed tears and she needed a moment to digest everything.

“I got her,” Clarke confirmed, cradling Lexa in her arms in a way Lexa didn’t think she deserved. “You should have told us, baby.”

Lexa only cried harder. “She said I couldn’t.” It was silly, she knew. Anya was no longer there to kick her ass for telling everyone her secret. She was no longer there to guide Lexa through life. “I’ve been holding onto it for the past two years. To keep it safe.”

“Oh, Lexa,” Clarke sniffed, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s. “You shouldn’t have had to carry to burden on your own.”

“I promised her,” Lexa whimpered. And a promise to her, maybe not biologically, big sister was something she always took seriously. And the idea of breaking the promise with Anya gone was that much more devastating. “She’s gonna be mad now.”

Clarke pressed her lips against Lexa’s cheek. “She won’t. Lexa, please don’t leave again.”

And that only made her cry harder. Tears seeped through the fabric of Clarke’s shirt and the mascara Lexa had so carefully applied in the morning streaked her cheeks. Her chest hurt, her lungs burned for oxygen that struggled expanding her chest through her stuffy nose and between her gasping sobs. Clarke gently swayed them, her own eyes glossy. They didn’t talk much about Anya anymore, especially after Lexa disappeared, so everyone was shaken to their core. 

“You okay?” Clarke asked after a long time, when Lexa’s sobs ceased but she stayed clinging to her. Clarke brushed some of the long brunette hair away from Lexa’s face.

Lexa nodded, feeling exhausted after the cry she just had. “I got snot on your shirt,” she murmured. “Disgusting.”

“It’s fine. How are you feeling?”

“I miss her,” Lexa admitted and pulled away from Clarke’s embrace in her moment of weakness. “And you know what the worst part is? She would have kicked my ass for leaving.”

Clarke managed a small smile, thinking of an image of Anya dragging Lexa back home by the lapels of her uniform. “She knew you very well. The best, probably.”

“No.”

“No?”

“You knew me best.”

Clarke leaned closer, knocking her forehead gently against the side of Lexa’s head. “We’ll be okay.”

Lexa swallowed audibly, eyes fluttering shut at the warm exhale washing against her cheek. She nodded in agreement, wanting nothing more than to cup Clarke’s face and kiss her. She wanted it so badly her teeth ached. But Clarke just reassured her about their future together and that gave her enough patience to hold back. “I’m so sorry, Clarke.”

“I know.”

“I love you.” It sounded so breathless, as if those three words held all the power in the world. And maybe they did.

“I know that, too. I do love you, Lexa. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I just need-”

“Time,” Lexa finished the sentence with a nod. “I’m okay with that. I think I’m going to talk to Raven and see how she’s feeling. I shouldn’t have sprung that on her like that.”

Clarke stood up first, helping Lexa on her feet. “Raven’s going to be okay. It’s a little difficult to process I think, but she deserves to know. I just can’t believe you never told anyone.”

“I think I suppressed it. Everyone was grieving and I just felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I was terrified I’d wake up one day and not remember her. Anya was my big sister and she spent most of her life protecting me, yet I couldn’t protect her.”

“I think we all spent a lot of time wishing things were different. But we can’t change anything, Lex. I know she would want us together. It’s also really hard to forget someone who smacked me with a handful of mud the very first day we met,” Clarke said and laughed softly.

Lexa grinned at the memory. “I think she just wanted to test you because she knew I had a crush on you. Although, we were already covered with pain from paintball, covering you in mud was a bit much.”

“She was really protective of you. But hey, I grew on her.”

“You did,” Lexa murmured affectionately. She cleared her throat, sobering up. “Thank you for letting me cry literally all over you.”

“Come here,” Clarke said, opening up her arms for a hug. 

Though it was Clarke who offered it was her who sank in Lexa’s arms. It felt complete, to have her in her arms again. The way Lexa’s arms slowly wrapped around Clarke’s waist. And when the moment was over Lexa gingerly placed a kiss on her forehead with a shy smile before searching for Raven.

She was outside on the balcony, staring into the distance and leaning against the railing. She looked as anguish as Lexa had felt since the day they found out. “I’m sorry. For not telling you sooner.”

“You kind of weren’t around to say much,” Raven retorted bitterly. She shook her head, sighing. “Sorry, that was uncalled for. Shit, if I knew I could just leave… maybe I would have, too. But I couldn’t leave Clarke. And I didn’t really want to go anywhere. This place means a lot to me, you know? It’s where we met, where everything happened, where we lived.”

“I understand. If anyone had the right to go anywhere it was you.”

Raven frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You loved her the most,” Lexa stated.

“We all loved her differently. She was the love of my life. But you were her sister. You grew up with her, you went through some really fucked up shit with her. She was a constant in your life. Kind of the way Clarke is in mine. I miss her, of course. I would give up everything to have Anya back, but each time she left with that stupid duffel bag and that pretty smirk of hers I knew there was a possibility of her not coming back,” Raven said. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. But right now I need to know if you and Clarke are back? Can I put my clexa banner back?”

Lexa chuckled, remembering the neon paper with glittery letters that used to hung in the living room of Raven's apartment. “Not yet. I mean, I don’t know. She said she needed time, so I’m giving it to her. But we also spend most of our days together and then there’s my surgery tomorrow. I guess we’ll see.”

“Do you want to get back together?”

“Yes. But I know I hurt her. I don’t want to rush.”

“Good answer,” Raven nodded approvingly. “I know it’s been a few months, but it’s really nice to have you back.”

After the tense beginning they actually ended up having a fun afternoon and before she knew it, it was the next day and Lexa was walking through the revolving hospital door. She was nervous, it was a surgery, of course she was nervous. And a little cranky because she was hungry. But Clarke was talking nonstop, shifting Lexa’s focus from the surgery to her words.

The process was almost instant. Lexa was admitted, her blood was drawn, a medical bracelet was snapped around her wrist and a nurse inserted a cannula to start fluids. Lexa had to drag the IV pole to the bathroom three times before they administered a relaxer to start the surgical preparations.

“I’m scared,” Lexa murmured, her green eyes glossy from the strong medicine flowing through her bloodstream. She went to scratch at the IV insertion site on the back of her hand but Clarke gently grasped her moving hand to stop her. 

“Of what?”

“What if I don’t wake up again?” Lexa asked, straining to sit further up before she gave up and collapsed on the bed.

“You will,” Clarke told her.

Lexa’s eyes widened. “What if I feel everything during the surgery? But can’t say anything?”

“Did you feel anything when you had your appendix taken out?” Clarke asked, already knowing the answer. Clearly the drugs were taking its effect, just minutes before Lexa’s scheduled surgery.

“No. But I wasn’t scared then.”

“How come?”

“Cause I knew you were there waiting for me.”

“I’ll be here this time, as well,” Clarke told her. She let go of her hand to touch her warm cheek. She was so peaceful like this, only half aware and adorably confused.

Lexa pouted sadly. “What if I have bad dreams?”

“I’ll scare them away,” Clarke promised. “You’re gonna be just fine, okay?”

“Okay,” Lexa agreed, followed by a dramatic sigh.

Even though Clarke knew Lexa was going to be perfectly one she was still nervous. Surgeries on people close to her were something she was never able to cope well with. Even when her mom was the one performing Lexa’s appendectomy. A nurse came in and gave Lexa final preparations to be rolled into the operating room, but before the bed could start moving Clarke leaned down and pressed her lips to Lexa’s in a sweet, short kiss.

The bed started moving and Lexa turned her head around, staring at Clarke with a dopey ‘o’ expression on her face. Clarke laughed to herself and collapsed on the spare chair once Lexa was out of view.

With no complications, Lexa was soon in recovery. She was all sorts of out of it, drifting between sleep and consciousness. Her arm was in a sling and Lexa whimpered every so often whenever she tried to move.

“Are you awake yet?” Clarke asked for the fourth time. The first two times gave her no response and the third time was followed by a raspy “yes” before Lexa fell back asleep. “Lex?”

Lexa’s eyes fluttered open, weakly focusing on the blurry figure in front of her before the heaviness of her lids won and they shut back. “An angel?”

Clarke chuckled, standing up. “Are you finally coming out of it?”

“Am I in heaven?” Lexa slurred. “I can’t die. I need to go back to Clarke.”

“You’re not dead. Does your arm hurt?”

“Why would my arm hurt?” Lexa asked, wiggling her arm that hadn’t just been through surgery which made Clarke laugh. Lexa opened her eyes at the sound, a dopey smile on her face.

Clarke shook her head chuckling. “I meant your other arm. But I guess it doesn’t. Can you try and sit up?”

Lexa was wobbly and weak as she strained to perch herself up. She was breathing deeply with her feet dangling off the side of the bed and then scrunched her face. “Clarke?” she finally realized.

Clarke smiled. “Welcome back to earth.”

“I may have dreamed it, but I’m pretty sure you kissed me.”

“You can’t remember you had surgery but you can remember that I kissed you,” Clarke rolled her eyes.

Lexa’s eyes widened. “I didn’t dream it.”

“Shut up.”

Lexa used her healthy arm to push herself in a standing position. She swayed unsteadily, still feeling the effects of anesthesia in her body. Clarke was by her side in a heartbeat, arms on her waist. The touch instantly sobered Lexa up, feeling very aware of how close they were and the ache in her arm that seemed to end at her fingers. 

“Does it hurt?” Clarke asked, unclenching Lexa’s tight fist to relieve the strain on her muscles. “Relax, don’t tense up, okay?”

Lexa nodded and allowed her arm to rest limply in the sling. The tightness in her shoulder joint was to be expected, but the way Clarke was rubbing her thumb against her hip wasn’t. And Lexa was only so strong to not cave into the touch, responsive and needy though with a slightly heady mind. And this time Clarke didn’t back away. “Can I kiss you?”

“Are you feeling okay?” Clarke double checked. “Any nausea? Dizziness?”

“I feel okay,” Lexa stated confidently. “Solid. A little weird still, but standing up helped.” She took a steep away from Clarke, accepting further questions as a decline. But she wasn’t upset.

“Good. That’s good. Now you can kiss me.”

“Oh,” Lexa breathed out. She inhaled sharply and shuffled forward until she was close enough to place her hand behind Clarke’s neck and dip down for a kiss. She hesitated then, until Clarke raised her chin and met her lips. It wasn’t explosive the way Lexa imagined their reunion kiss would be, but if Lexa was being honest this was much better. It was soft in the way Clarke gently placed her hand on Lexa’s waist. Tender as Lexa pulled Clarke even closer by the nape of her neck while swiping her thumb through the shorter hair there. Lexa’s heart thumped loudly and she pulled away just enough to draw in a big breath, angling her head sideways for a deeper kiss.

The door opened and they pulled away with reddened cheeks, Lexa doing an awkward shuffle away from Clarke in front of her surgeon who could only laugh. “I see you’re feeling okay. You’re on your feet, you’re clearly mobile. Any pain?”

“Just a little,” Lexa replied hoarsely and cleared her throat. She awkwardly embraced her sling to remind herself why she was there in the first place.

“Great. We’ll give you a prescription for painkillers and get you an appointment with a physical therapist. Limit your activity, no heavy lifting and ice it so it doesn’t swell up. And I’d like to see you again in four weeks. Sounds good?”

“Yes, thanks doctor.” 

“If you feel good enough to leave then that’s it. You’re free to go home.”

Relieved and happy, and possibly still a little drugged up, Lexa eagerly agreed. She forgot all about her sore shoulder when Clarke took her hand and allowed their fingers to lace. “Come on, we’re stopping at McDonald's drive thru for some ice cream and then we’re going home.”

This time home wasn’t just the apartment they bought and decorated together. They were going home to each other and while the loss of Anya and Lexa leaving would never be forgotten they were finally able to continue building their relationship on foundation already placed. And if only months ago the thought of going home felt like suffocation to Lexa it was exactly what she needed at that moment. Especially when it involved ice cream and lying on their bed fully entangled in Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as many times as I've reread this chances are typos found their way into the storyline, if you spot any let me know
> 
> but also let me know what you thought just in general. did it have enough angst? was it good? did it suck? I accept some amount of criticism before I will cry (jk)


End file.
